Life, Love, and Culture

     I am so excited, this is going to be an interesting year. I keep getting the feeling that one of my roles right now is to learn. Learning is interesting.

“What is Love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...” (yep, I clean to a disco cd)

     Somehow when I arrived I thought I would swing right back in to the groove I left in 2009. Long term minded living though is a bit different. I am now faced with the challenge of figuring out my place in this culture. I've had to mourn that without living in the village, I will never just be one of them - I'll always be the white wallet. There is a great community of other foreigners here. People need community. But I don't want to live an us/them mentality. I need true friends from everywhere.

     I get approached by people all the time who want to “be my friend” but whether you give it a shot or ask for clarification, what it actually means is, “I want you to pay my school fees” or “I want you to buy me things.” With so much aid having been poured in over a generation of war, the first instinct when you want something is to find a white to get it for you. Truth is not a cultural value so all sorts of things are said as the persuasion. Some parents would “abandon” their kids if there was an offer of school fees to homeless kids. It is difficult to sort through the most needy with the I just want life to be easier. I want to love – completely and without fear. I want to be willing to give whatever is asked (though not possible – I don't have a car to give nor a pill for your cataracts), but I feel like I am living among a generation that won't grow up until the aid crutch is taken away. Not to say that in many circumstances it is absolutely appropriate. Sometimes it is but staying dependent on the aid after the trauma is gone isn't healthy. NGO's are focusing on rehabilitation and development – sustainability being the key word. As a Christian – where is the balance? Am I really loving when I say no, sorry, I can't help you? It is a battle in my heart. How do I love? I am seriously a work in progress. I teach, for free, to anyone who wants to learn and take that knowledge to better themselves and their families. Knowledge keeps giving without draining the source. But what about my neighbors? And that guy in town? I aspire to freely give my all – where do I draw the line between helping others, and taking care of myself so I have the energy to keep going? How do I truly love this culture? How do I sort it all out?

     I thought I would find home with the local culture in a beautiful, ideal, romanticized traditional missionary kind of way. While I can minister to all sorts, it is hard to find who is a true friend. Turns out we need those. It seems I always want to think I can tough through without this or that no problem, but while I can survive it, is it really healthy? How am I more effective? Besides culture linking friends financially (not necessarily a problem until your skin color is labeled by that culture to be the constant giver beyond your actual means), there are different gender roles. Women often marry very early. Girls don't have as much opportunity to go to school, so fewer of them speak English. Women are the workers in a way that can initially feel to a westerner like unappreciated servitude. While culturally that isn't usually the case, it makes it hard for a foreign independent single woman (independent enough to move across the world by herself) to relate freely and well to the local married woman. I admire them and have a lot to learn from them but lack that connection of commonality and understanding. It can be lonely living in a foreign culture. So, I need both. I need local friends to learn from and be connected to but I also need friends that understand me- where I can feel free and get support. In time there won't be the same kind of need. Thankfully, I am not completely isolated from others of my culture. I am not alone in this navigation and neither are they. Both are ministry, both are necessary. Why do I always want to give but never want to recognize my own needs until I have to? Why do I have to need things at all beyond simple sustaining of the body? Why can't I be everything to every one... superwoman?

     In a culture that has been on the receiving end of aid for at least a generation with many generous short term foreign workers coming through, an expectation has been developed of what others will do and who they are. There is a separation that is hard to break down – hard to become equal. But my background IS different. I DO come from a different culture. Finding your place in a different part of the world, in a different culture can be hard and take some time. It will take time for me, I think that's OK... I need to remind myself that it is OK to take time. I am still learning how to love well and what that means in this culture. In the mean time, I am trying to respond well to the requests for marriage, money, and medicine from random strangers on the road based solely on the color of my skin.

     It's not the end of me. I love learning though sometimes the process is hard, but how else to we grow. I love being here. I love these children. I love the people. I love teaching. I love the adventure. I love the satisfaction of finally being where I am supposed to be. God will work it out if only I trust Him. He's a great teacher.