My Flesh and My Heart may Fail

So, It's been a while. Class has started full swing and is going well. The school classes seemed to take forever to actually get going (delay, delay, delay), but as they say, “TIA” – That is Africa. I can't believe I've been here five months already. It seems to fly so quickly. The last couple months have been a bit difficult. I went to Kampala a couple times to deal with immigration. It's like subjecting yourself to come kind of cruel torture – you go to find out what the next problem is, recognizing that there isn't really one. You just have to wait out the, “how many times can I make you come back” game. Does it give a sense of power to watch foreigners get frustrated in your controlled grasp? I did finally get the necessary letter from the NGO Board and took my file over to the Formal Immigration side. We're praying that it goes better now that I have a letter showing I've been thoroughly scrutinized. The school holiday unexpectedly proved a bit difficult as I slowly felt more disconnected from my work and most of my closest friends left for the holidays. I taught some classes and prepared materials for class, but without being with the kids the whole time I felt busy for nothing. I'm sure, however, that by the end of this term I will be begging for a break. I've been learning Acholi. I still can't hold conversation but I've learned a lot. Things make a lot more sense. The culture is also beginning to make a lot more sense. It's somehow surprising. Some of the behaviors I thought I would never understand are beginning to make sense. It is good to understand, but I hope that I am not simply becoming desensitized – I am still stubborn about my values. I've also been learning about self-care. They say its important. I still struggle with the concept, though I recognize it's fundamental idea. Besides being faced with my own humanity, emotions, and physical limitations (new ones like dust and inescapable unending heat and the African Sun), I've been getting emails from a creativity group I subscribed to on self-care and talked with another missionary who's been here a while. She warned me about recognizing my needs and being intentional about meeting them. She recognized mistakes made due to ignoring them, running out of cultural patience, and needing to now go home. I know it sucks when you refuse to learn something God is trying to teach you. He has to break you into the lesson. I don't want that to be me but I fear that is the direction I am heading. I just don't quite get it. It seems to contradict other values that also seem to be God given. I am a work in progress. I desire God and His will in my life even if I have to fumble around to get there. I'm not going to pretend I have it all together. He called me here; in His grace here I am, a work in progress.

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. - Psalm 73:25-26

Grateful.

People Stories

A friend sits across from me in a standard plastic chair we borrowed from the store we are sitting out front of, telling me of his heart and dreams for the local street children. Having been on his own from a young age he is familiar with the scene and the struggle. He wants to get them off the streets and into school. He wants more for them than digging food out of gutters or stealing it, than curling up to sleep in a dirty alleyway, than abuse from drug dealers, than barely surviving, than growing up solely in stature... than being a street kid. They are children. Not only does he want it – he's doing something about it. It is contrary to his culture that says go to an NGO, get yourself taken care of, get lots of funding, and then do something. He loves Jesus. He seems to be willing to do as much as HE can. He recognizes that Ugandans can take an active role in taking care of their own – a seemingly unpopular idea despite the community tradition. But life still has requirements.

What role do I have in this?

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A friend who has helped with my Bible class in town came for a visit. He tells me a bit of his story of when he was a kid: His father got remarried. Is stepmother didn't like him. She tried to poison him and his cousin. He was saved having been miraculously not hungry at that particular meal and giving his portion to his cousin. His cousin became violently ill and died in the hospital where it was traced back to the stepmother. She got in trouble briefly with the police but it wasn't long before she was home again. This is when my friend became a street kid. After a couple months, his pastor took him in and sent him to school. After some time his father decided to take him back time home, promising he would be safer this time. He found the strength to go home and to forgive his stepmother. He is continuing in school, though he sometimes struggles with school fees. This is an incredible young man...

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She just kinda hangs around. I'm don't really know her story, nor have I met her parents. I have started asking questions. She comes to my Unschooled Kids Class pretty regularly. She is a bright girl. On Saturdays when we have Saturday Sponsorship Club you can find her at the school. Under the tree, around the corner, or sitting in a nearby classroom, you don't always see her right away, but she is usually there. We usually give her some food left over from the sponsored kids' lunch. In my Tuesday and Wednesday unschooled kids class she is attentive. She wants to do what the other kids do and is very observant. She is deaf. She can't recite the ABC's with the other kids but on Saturday when I found her hiding on the side of the building, she showed me the letters she had written in the dirt, “A B 5 4 2”. She was proud of them. Her parents had tried to send her to school but with 150 students, the level 1 teacher couldn't possibly give her the attention she needs. What strikes me about this girl is her softness, her desire to learn, and her self esteem. I don't think I have ever seen her teeth. As soon as she starts to laugh or smiles big enough to show teeth, a hand will immediately shoot up to cover – often both hands. She smiles a lot. She covers her mouth a lot. I don't know who or what convinced her she needs to cover herself, but it kinda makes me sad. I'm glad I get to work with her. I include her in class activities and games. She is excited to be involved and works to understand. We motion to each other in a universal “pointing to things” language. I don't know sign language but neither does she. There is a deaf school in Gulu but I doubt her parents could afford it since it is a boarding school. I'd love to see her there... The girl from my 2009 Unschooled Kids Class is in that school now thanks to a sponsor and was at the top of her class last term. Anyone interested in sponsorship?

My Constant

In a place of perpetual “goodbye's” to fellow expats here for short periods doing this or that, I am finding extra comfort in Hebrews 13, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” and “surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age,” Matthew 28:20.