I am so excited, this is going to be
an interesting year. I keep getting the feeling that one of my roles
right now is to learn. Learning is interesting.
“What is Love? Baby don't hurt
me, don't hurt me, no more...” (yep, I clean to a disco cd)
Somehow when I arrived I thought I
would swing right back in to the groove I left in 2009. Long term
minded living though is a bit different. I am now faced with the
challenge of figuring out my place in this culture. I've had to mourn
that without living in the village, I will never just be one of them
- I'll always be the white wallet. There is a great community of
other foreigners here. People need community. But I don't want to
live an us/them mentality. I need true friends from everywhere.
I get approached by people all the
time who want to “be my friend” but whether you give it a shot or
ask for clarification, what it actually means is, “I want you to
pay my school fees” or “I want you to buy me things.” With so
much aid having been poured in over a generation of war, the first
instinct when you want something is to find a white to get it for
you. Truth is not a cultural value so all sorts of things are said as
the persuasion. Some parents would “abandon” their kids if there
was an offer of school fees to homeless kids. It is difficult to sort
through the most needy with the I just want life to be easier. I want
to love – completely and without fear. I want to be willing to give
whatever is asked (though not possible – I don't have a car to give
nor a pill for your cataracts), but I feel like I am living among a
generation that won't grow up until the aid crutch is taken away. Not
to say that in many circumstances it is absolutely appropriate.
Sometimes it is but staying dependent on the aid after the trauma is
gone isn't healthy. NGO's are focusing on rehabilitation and
development – sustainability being the key word. As a Christian –
where is the balance? Am I really loving when I say no, sorry, I
can't help you? It is a battle in my heart. How do I love? I am
seriously a work in progress. I teach, for free, to anyone who wants
to learn and take that knowledge to better themselves and their
families. Knowledge keeps giving without draining the source. But
what about my neighbors? And that guy in town? I aspire to freely
give my all – where do I draw the line between helping others, and
taking care of myself so I have the energy to keep going? How do I
truly love this culture? How do I sort it all out?
I thought I would find home with the
local culture in a beautiful, ideal, romanticized traditional
missionary kind of way. While I can minister to all sorts, it is hard
to find who is a true friend. Turns out we need those. It seems I
always want to think I can tough through without this or that no
problem, but while I can survive it, is it really healthy? How am I
more effective? Besides culture linking friends financially (not
necessarily a problem until your skin color is labeled by that
culture to be the constant giver beyond your actual means), there are
different gender roles. Women often marry very early. Girls don't
have as much opportunity to go to school, so fewer of them speak
English. Women are the workers in a way that can initially feel to a
westerner like unappreciated servitude. While culturally that isn't
usually the case, it makes it hard for a foreign independent single
woman (independent enough to move across the world by herself) to
relate freely and well to the local married woman. I admire them and
have a lot to learn from them but lack that connection of commonality
and understanding. It can be lonely living in a foreign culture. So,
I need both. I need local friends to learn from and be connected to
but I also need friends that understand me- where I can feel free and
get support. In time there won't be the same kind of need.
Thankfully, I am not completely isolated from others of my culture. I
am not alone in this navigation and neither are they. Both are
ministry, both are necessary. Why do I always want to give but never
want to recognize my own needs until I have to? Why do I have to need
things at all beyond simple sustaining of the body? Why can't I be
everything to every one... superwoman?
In a culture that has been on the
receiving end of aid for at least a generation with many generous
short term foreign workers coming through, an expectation has been
developed of what others will do and who they are. There is a
separation that is hard to break down – hard to become equal. But
my background IS different. I DO come from a different culture.
Finding your place in a different part of the world, in a different
culture can be hard and take some time. It will take time for me, I
think that's OK... I need to remind myself that it is OK to take time.
I am still learning how to love well and what that means in this
culture. In the mean time, I am trying to respond well to the
requests for marriage, money, and medicine from random strangers on
the road based solely on the color of my skin.
It's not the end of me. I love
learning though sometimes the process is hard, but how else to we
grow. I love being here. I love these children. I love the people. I
love teaching. I love the adventure. I love the satisfaction of
finally being where I am supposed to be. God will work it out if only
I trust Him. He's a great teacher.
