I was talking to a Christian friend at work today. He was telling me about his time off, not getting what he wanted to get done, and struggling with his perception of it being "his" time in the first place. I was reminded of my own struggle with frustration - my expectation that I would be back by now hasn't been met. I have a tendency to see it as a failure on my part to somehow accomplish funding. I know that this is God's. It is His calling. I am His. "My" time and circumstances are His. Fundraising is His. I know He loves me, He loves those kids more than I could, and He still says I get to go back. I know there are things I could be doing better to fundraise somehow. Sometimes I feel lost in it all - blaming my weaknesses. But I know it is His and in that I can be free from it if I let it be His. I am who He has made me. Even though I didn't plan on this time of wait, I see him stretching me slowly, stretching, stretching... and I am thankful. Surrender is beautiful because He is good and He is faithful.
Still, I am sad. I miss my kids. So there will be more tears... and resolve to somehow figure out this funding thing.
Today I was reminded that all is His.
I have a part to play,
but the burden is not mine to carry.
So, I give it back,
and plead for movement,
remembering there is beauty in surrender.
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